Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
