Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she told me i tasted like america
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
