At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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