Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
