I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
