I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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