I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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