The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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