9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
