That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
