I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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