how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
