just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
