This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
