I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
