my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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