If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
