What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
