If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
