WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
babies were throwing up all over the place
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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