Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
