This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
