Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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