A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
