have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
