some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
