p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
