He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
