I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
