i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
