I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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