Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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