I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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