I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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