Im at strip club and am horny
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
