dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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