Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
