I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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