I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
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She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
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I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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