You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
