I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
