I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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