I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
