i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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