I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
