I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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