Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Shame is for Republicans.
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