and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
