When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
