i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
