i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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