I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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