o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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