Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
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She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
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we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.