from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
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next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.