So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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